The inspiration for the Song “heaven Knows I’m miserable Now” by the Smiths died last week. As a bipolar Moper and former alternative radio disc jockey and music person, The Smiths, and their frank display of depression and even hopeless suicidality gave me hope that you could express your sadness to the page and not have it eat you up inside.
About the Late Vivian Nicholson, she and her husband won the british equiv of lottery, full payout of 4.5 million. Within two years she was widowed and married to another rich guy. Notorious for being notorious…where have we been seeing a lot of that lately??? KKK? Anyway, she was tabloid, she was the subject of a West End Musical and her motto was spend, spend spend I just hope she had a damn fine time. Because she died destitute.
between the spending, all the marriages, affairs, alcoholism (was mentioned in the obituary) for all I know, she might have had bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2, which often goes undetected.
I work out to music. Because I’m 54, most of my music is on cassette tapes. Sometimes when I am in a hurry to burn a new CD, and then tape it on cassette, there is a blank spot at the end of the tape. Well, since I am too broke to buy cassettes, what I am doing is every time I come across a blank ending, I put the tape by the boombox, blank side facing forward. Then, yesterday and today I am buying new music off of “The Lopsided World of L” playlist, LA’s “Indie 103.1” playlists (a streaming station), songs I hear on XMU and Alt Nation on Sirius Radio, and a playlist I get of the top spinning songs at Alternative stations across the country. See, I’m a former disc jockey in Alternative and was a music director, too. I love music. I even love some oldies and classic rock. What I hate is hair bands. I have this friend who has paranoid schizophrenia, and she must have had a ‘good period’ in the 80’s, because when we are driving around town, I tune in to “Classic Rewind” (hair bands and music from the 80’s an early 90s) and she sings all the songs by heart. She acts as if there is no other music in existence and is unwilling to give anything new a chance, which bugs me. But anyway, today I am buying “Even if you were the last junkie on Earth,” by the Dandy Warhol’s, Beck “Dreams” “Love Vigilantes” from New Order (did you know New Order has a new album out?) New Foo Fighters, and maybe some “Death Cab for Cutie.” Was listening to this Japanese Punk band yesterday “Bo Ningen” I think and I liked them. I am sad that Sonic Youth Broke up. I like Australia’s “Courtney Barnet” and Silversun Pickups, who have a new album out, I think. I go mad for The Clash and older Gang of Four.
Having gone through a bunch of long and short depressive episodes, I got into a terribly self focused habit of waking up and immediately ‘taking my mood temperature’ to see what kind of day I’d have. Rather than think about what I want to get accomplished or who I’d like to lend a hand to, I think about myself. I mean, I think it’s helpful in a way, but it can also lead to spiraling downward, wasting time and diffusing focus on life itself.
I’ve had more than my share of depressions in the last three years. So I got in the habit of living in fear of the next one. But I’ve learned that it’s equally important to be aware of manias because they lead to depressions also.
I’ve also been identifying triggers and they are so many. So many, in fact, that life is a virtual landmine. How to I turn triggers inside out so I see the upside, the growth opportunity for them:?
Too many doctor’s appointments
a critical conversation with my dad that feels like judgement
Family not understanding bipolar or believing it’s a real disease
Not writing enough
Computer malfunctions and forgetting to save my work
Not enough exercise
Having learning difficulties on software programs
Clothes not fitting
Being too busy
Not reading enough
As you can see, if I take these and twist them around it would make for a lot of growth, self forgivement and acceptance. Hey, maybe I might be able to focus on others for a change!