On the farm in Lexington Kentucky (family visit) w/3 sizes of clothes

horse

Even tho I packed really carefully, when I landed I had slacks that fell off my butt and dresses I could not zip up. We are going to a fancy equestrian party tonight and luckily I had a stretchy maxi dress. I have gotten sloppy w/food, not lifted weights as much as I should and right now, sugar and carbs have ahold of me.  My AIC, which I worked on lowering for four months, has risen w/the 12 lb I gained (all in one place). It’s hard not to feel like my life is out of control right now. Alot of our activities while visiting Dad center around food and drink. And on the subject of ‘out of control,’ I forgot to plan for the weather. I brought too many coats and not enough shorts.

But look at this horse. Do you think he likes me any less for any of that? Of course not. He is a horse, of course, of course.

Swimming With Sharks at Stanford

stanfordsharkmhammerhead

I went to Stanford on a Volleyball Scholarship. The elitism and exclusivity of this University, Stanford University, forms a bond like no other.  I never felt it. But it exists and I think it’s why this Stanford graduate judge gave the Stanford Scholarship Swimmer who’s been convicted of sexual assault a huge break.

Instead of 6-10 years, a standard sentence, his six months is being knocked down to three months.

Stanford-Stanford. I wasn’t a straight A student, president of the student body, multilingual chemist, ok, strive as I might. I’m a slow learning with racing thoughts, being bipolar, hypomanic within ‘well’ cycles, if you call them that.

This swimmer who possibly drugged and assaulted a semi conscious young woman is unconscionable.

More Scary South Florida residents….jellyfish of many types

 

sailorjellyfish

There is a link to the companion written Blog as well. And let's not forget to thank Caring Voices Coalition who makes my life possible.

There are lots of sea creatures we share the ocean with. We assume it’s ours but it’s not. We had a huge rash of a nonstinging type of jellyfish wash into shore this week. Everyone got out of the water and freaked out as the purple carcasses littered the beach. They are harmless but spectacular to look at, called “Sailor Jellyfish” for the said on the top of their backs sticking up in the air. We have these other nonstingers called “moon Jellyfish” and they are just a round disc the side of the top of a 16 oz can of tomatoe sauce or something. But we also have purple Man O War show up and all the red ‘danger’ flags go up at Lifeguard stations as these guys have these long, trailing tentacles that have the sting. The sting is not fatal but hurts so badly people wish it was.

Then they get a short time capsule sense of how it feels to have anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder or schizoaffective or schizophrenia or have a horrible degenerative illness like Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, organ failure, Lupus or chronic pain that makes life a hell on earth.  We already know about that.

#Noncancerchronicpainlivesmatter

Bullsharks in South Florida They Bite

bullsharkFLoutofthewaterThis is me, coming out of a long run followed by a two hour swim. I am exercise bulimic. I eat and then work out. I deal with Sharks.

Great Whites are more prevalent on the Pacific Coast and other colder water climates…I think Australia and South Africa have them. For warmer water and brackish water like we have in the Canals, (they have even found these bullsharks in the Mississippi River)!

I’m a thrill seeker and exercise addict (which has caused quite a few problems)… after a few orthopedic surgeries I temporarily turned to swimming long distances at the Olympic Pool at Stanford University. Later I began swimming way out in the Ocean, both in Mexico, Del Mar and finally now here in Florida. Boy, once you master the breathing and about 20 minutes passes, you get really high and I’m not sure why.

What keeps me from going out there now (but I’m going to return) are active Sharkbites not so far from home.  I saw a Mako and A skimmer out swimming a couple of times but once they saw me, they boogied. I live in Hollywood on the Atlantic Ocean. Bullsharks populate more northern areas of the Florida Atlantic coast like Vero beach and Daytona, partly because of the surfers, who they confuse with sea lions, etc.

We had a Bullshark Bite last week. It happened to a guy who was spearfishing and had loaded up the ocean water with blood. It’s called a “Provoked Attack,” in other words totally NOT the Shark’s fault.

Basically sharks are only interested in fish for food. We are too bony, in reality, for them.

I live in an area where there really is no food for them. But over on the West Coast, in the La Jolla Caves near San Diego, you’ve got all these seals sunning themselves on the rocks, and Great White
Bites are a plenty. Ten Miles up the Pacific is Del Mar, where there has never been a shark bite ever.

When I go swimming and there are schools of fish, I get spooked and get out of the water, right away. Anywhere there’s food, there’s bound to be sharks. They’ve got like radar and show up out of nowhere.

 

Big Secret on a superior yet super restricted way to manage chronic pain suboxone questions?

Cuba here are some ideas on handling side effects of pain meds and some stuff I do to relieve pain other than just pills. You might find some of this helpful but I have questions too about pain management I hope someone can answer. I’m up against it. And the CDC is tightening up again. Friggin alcohol kills more people. No one is addressing the pain problem driving people to the pills in the first place.

Don’t get wrong idea…I’m on anti-inflammatory diet, alkalizing supplements, do pilates class, pilates at home on the mat, drink tons of water, get other types of exercise, use the non narcotic pain patch and anti inflammatory alcohol based tonic called Pennsaid before laying down on a bag of ice.

HERE ARE MY QUESTIONS…DOES ANYONE KNOW?

I’d like to change to suboxone because the big secret is that it works for more than just opiate cessation, it helps the pain. The bioavailability is such that you can get by on really really low doses. lower doses than a transfer chart would suggest!!!!! But doctors are limited to only having 100 pain patients on Suboxone. WHY? Does anyone know?

I read yesterday that Obama is pushing to raise that limit to 200 per doctor to deal with the heroin epidemic and pain pill problem.

Can anyone answer some of these questions for me or offer insight into suboxone for pain management?  If they cut me off, I’ll have to visit Mexico and Cuba after all. Even though Cuba will be open for cruise voyages on May 1, I wasn’t planning on going because I already live at the beach and drive an old car. hehe

Write On: The WordPress Rule

Write On
I just found out from Opinionated Man on Harsh Reality about the WordPress limit on the combined number of tags and categories. If more than fifteen, they go out into the blogsphere version of the garbage can!!! That’s ok cause they needed work anyway!!!

I am back to writing my book. I was lost for a while and then reread “Haldol and Hyacinths,” because I wanted to see and hear the author’s voice. My book is not a memoir, it’s a trilogy of fiction with a manic depressive character who is still in the workplace. I am feeling like I am hitting my stride. Finding my own voice. It’s actually in rewrite.  I have bipolar disorder and have had it for twenty five years. The first med regime in ’89 worked really well for ten years. I was a total career woman as a disc jockey and rising journalist/music director. No time for psychiatrists, Work was my universe!!!

I was actually seeing my GP for my meds. When the meds stopped working, I was lost, thought I was out of luck and for another three years self medicated, got divorced, got blacklisted and then moved here and finally got back on track and returned to work.  I had been LOST for three years.

Earlier last week, I went to Lexington to see my father, who is a little up and down himself.  So I didn’t write for five days. I am spending about four hours a day on my book which is making it so that I don’t blog as often. But I did turn in a part one and part two eating disorder exercise bulimia blog to International bipolar foundation. It turns out that as many as 14-20% of patients with bipolar disorder actually have a co-occurring eating disorder. I’d been working on that piece, #no longer a number# for quite some time. I’m cooking dinner right now, taking a few minutes away from the stove and hoping I don’t get burned. (my food, I mean.)

Buying new alternative music on Itunes

I work out to music. Because I’m 54, most of my music is on cassette tapes. Sometimes when I am in a hurry to burn a new CD, and then tape it on cassette, there is a blank spot at the end of the tape. Well, since I am too broke to buy cassettes, what I am doing is every time I come across a blank ending, I put the tape by the boombox, blank side facing forward. Then, yesterday and today I am buying new music off of “The Lopsided World of L” playlist, LA’s “Indie 103.1” playlists (a streaming station), songs I hear on XMU and Alt Nation on Sirius Radio, and a playlist I get of the top spinning songs at Alternative stations across the country. See, I’m a former disc jockey in Alternative and was a music director, too. I love music. I even love some oldies and classic rock. What I hate is hair bands. I have this friend who has paranoid schizophrenia, and she must have had a ‘good period’ in the 80’s, because when we are driving around town, I tune in to “Classic Rewind” (hair bands and music from the 80’s an early 90s) and she sings all the songs by heart. She acts as if there is no other music in existence and is unwilling to give anything new a chance, which bugs me. But anyway, today I am buying “Even if you were the last junkie on Earth,” by the Dandy Warhol’s, Beck “Dreams” “Love Vigilantes” from New Order (did you know New Order has a new album out?) New Foo Fighters, and maybe some “Death Cab for Cutie.” Was listening to this Japanese Punk band yesterday “Bo Ningen” I think and I liked them. I am sad that Sonic Youth Broke up. I like Australia’s “Courtney Barnet” and Silversun Pickups, who have a new album out, I think. I go mad for The Clash and older Gang of Four.

Write On

I am back to writing my book. I was lost for a while and then reread “Haldol and Hyacinths,” because I wanted to see and hear the author’s voice. My book is not a memoir, it’s a trilogy of fiction with a manic depressive character who is still in the workplace. I am feeling like I am hitting my stride. Finding my own voice. It’s actually in rewrite.  I have bipolar disorder and have had it for twenty five years. The first med regime worked really well for ten years. I was actually seeing my GP for my meds. When the meds stopped working, I was lost for another three years and then got back on track and returned to work.

Earlier last week, I went to Lexington to see my father, who is a little up and down himself.  So I didn’t write for five days. I am spending about four hours a day on my book which is making it so that I don’t blog as often. But I did turn in a part one and part two eating disorder exercise bulimia blog to International bipolar foundation. It turns out that as many as 14-20% of patients with bipolar disorder actually have a co-occurring eating disorder. I’d been working on that piece, #no longer a number# for quite some time. I’m cooking right now, taking a few minutes away from the stove and hoping I don’t get burned. (my food, I mean.)

Now that my antipsychotic has pushed me half way to diabetes, I have to be really careful of what I eat and mostly cook for myself …another thing that takes time away from my reading and writing.

myself

Even though you may be overweight, Exercise DOES help prevent Diabetes and More

https://snt146.mail.live.com/?tid=cm4yD4olQx5RGezgAhWte7dA2&fid=flinbox

This Link is from Bipolar Hope and it answers a question I’ve had.  In the wake of Adderall cessation and a broken foot I’ve gained 20 lbs. The depression also fed into that, because I could have been swimming and not hurting my foot at all. I had been wondering if even in the presence of extra weight if exercise could help prevent Diabetes type two, a side effect of atypical mood stabilizing antipsychotics? I don’t know if this link is live, But in Bipolar Hope Magazine, this email says that exercise, especially the kind I dread, weight training…talk about tedious, even with music…creates a type of muscle that combats the development of Diabetes Type two. And may help outcomes of depression and anxiety. Whew! Hope it’s true.

I’m an exercise bulimic. But It’s hard to exercise when depressed. Especially when it just leads to more food binging and the need for more exercise. The only thing besides herbs and chemicals that has ever worked is an absolute Low Carb diet a la Atkins, which deprives me of Serotonin. It’s a killer. I can’t do it any more but I did it in Overeater’s anonymous for two years and kept the weight off. I don’t want that, it’s hard on Kidneys, a Ketogenic diet.

This obsession with being ‘thin,’  It comes from family and the media. My stepmother at 60 works out 4 hours a day and is gaunt shadow of herself. My birth mother was as thin as Audrey Hepburn. I have a codependent, inappropriate at times relationship to my father, who put the original emphasis on being thin in my life. Then I was an actor in LA, also trying to model. Back in the 80’s and 90’s, before Cindy Crawford and other opened things up for a few extra pounds, anyone in the media had to be stick thin. Not everyone’s genetics support that. Just look at Oprah’s struggles and even, to a much smaller degree how hard Jennifer Aniston and others meant to be more full figured have to work for it. So I think about being thin a lot and have resorted to chemical means and destructive exercise bulimia followed by binges that have resulted in more overuse orthopedic surgeries than most family trees have seen. That opened the door to massive opiate access, another chapter in itself.  Certain Opiates give a sense of euphoria and tamp down appetite. Then there was Ritalin and an unstable mood. Then Vyvanse and Adderall, which I am paying the price for now.

In the wake of Adderall IR cessation and breaking my foot 15 weeks ago, I’ve gained nearly 20 lbs. My stretchiest clothes don’t fit. I hate myself. the only thing that would work would be to get back on Adderall or Vyvanse.

I worry about being fat and developing diabetes type two. I have a hard enough time brushing my teeth so If I got diabetes, it would be tough to stay healthy, all the dietary restrictions and blood sugar testing.

burgerking post boobjobI did a lot of Commercials and was a day player for shows like “Love Boat” where I had to be a cocktail waitress in a Bikini. I also played the body double for a Volleyball Playin’ Tony The Tiger in a “Frosted Flakes” commercial. Understandably I love shows like “Mad Men,” because when I got out of acting, I was a copywriter for Radio and Print ads. Loved it. My mind is full of bullshit to get people to look at products in a new way, and buy them.

Now, at least I know that even if I’ve twenty or thirty or even forty pounds overweight, the exercise helps. It does take me away from other things I’d rather be doing. Oh well. Right now I’m making an exercise tape and am about to go for a powerwalk and 40 minute Ocean Swim.

My Media Image is a shot of me when I was starring in a Burger King commercial and I thought I was overweight and unacceptable back then. My Dad is still such a stickler for weight issues that I feel that to visit him would just upset him. I visited him when I was only ten pounds over and he had a cow and was trying to give me money for weight loss programs, and finally did for Nutrisystem, which totally sucked.