I’m the Worst Blogger in the World and Now, I need Help

I’m Allison and Have Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Pain, Tardive Dyskinesia and possibly Sjogren’s syndrome. (I find out today on the Sjogren’s…genetically, it makes perfect sense).

I’m in bipolar depression relapse, which is awful. I had a great 2 1/2 years of remission.

Over the course of the last 17 years I’ve had perpetual, off and on med burnout, which has a very geeky name, Antidepressant Therapy Tachyphylaxis, which means the antidepressants just stop working. I think a lot of people have this problem but there’s a black void where knowledge should be.

Articles on it, and other names for it, like “Prozac Poopout” are all over the internet. In the past we’ve resolved it over time by cycling to newer meds. Pristiq, then Viibryd and finally Brintellix, (now called Trintellix) and then Fetzima, which didn’t work.

Two different times we used Trintellix, which worked for a few years, and needed to be discontinued and then worked again when we ‘recycled it.’

I’m worried. I think I’ve burnt out all the drugs that act on Dopamine, Serotonin, Norepinephrine and need to go to a different class like a tricyclic or MAOI. The fact that I have Tardive Dyskinesia reduces our treatment options greatly.

I think it might eliminate an MAOI, because monoamines factor into TD…in some way.

I’m just really scared.

I don’t know how this relates to Jason (Opinionated Man..OM) but I’ll try to post anyway.

allicatMe…a blogger named Allison

 

wellsThe Wells Fargo Ad that is outdated, ludicrous. New horses won’t do it.

Go back to starting block guys. Think like Don Draper in ‘Man Men.’ He had to market cigs after the surgeon general finally made his warning. The jig was up and it was time to reinvent the game and make new rules. Enter the age of ‘lifestyle ads’ like the Marlboro Man. It all started with the surgeon general sharing his truth about how dangerous cigarettes were. Blunt Truth. That’s it. Like Jason.  And from the surgeon general’s truth…the “Mad Men” Ad Men on Madison avenue figured out more creative ways to lie with images, not words.

Oh, Jason. (OM)

He’s the most successful blogger (in my eyes…) I know. Can I be him in my next life? Multicultural, probably bilingual…look at me, giving him all these attributes I wish I had. I barely know him.

I do know he’s going to make a big difference in social media…he’s going to rewrite the rules just like Don Draper did with Lucky Strike Tobacco…distract from the dangers and focus on quality.

I first became aware of Jason through my friend Teresa. I was astounded that two personalities as seemingly different were compatible in the blogosphere. I came to lean deep down they’re similar. They believe. They’re both great bloggers on wordpress, our larger community of thinkers, truthers, writers and pranksters.

No one knows idea knows I’m alive. No ‘likes’ ‘comments’ or replies.

 

Then again, my social media skills are so weak, It’s possible If I got them, I’m not getting notifications.

I’ve subscribed to get notifications of many people’s wordpress posts and get them for a while and then don’t.

I also spend a lot of time ‘providing content’ to be of help to other people on bigger, commercial platforms. They have high standards. It takes time. A lot of my stuff they don’t run with. Sometimes I hit a home run like with the “Three Sizes of Clothes” series, both video and blog.

Therefore, I don’t spend time developing my platform. It’s a choice.

I also, like Jason, don’t niche.

I’m not like “Bipolar Bubble” because for me, as a reader, that stuff in my inbox gets old. I don’t like reading about how people wish to end themselves because it reminds me of stuff I deal with at times, but not now.

I need a break sometimes from bipolargroupthink. It’s a crowded field and no one ever shuts up about it.

I think about writing a book but am working my up the publishing ranks, hoping to attract an agent and or publisher. I need other pairs of eyes and ears, including attorneys.

This year marked the publication of my work in The Miami Herald and The Tribune(now ‘tronc’) outlet in Ft Lauderdale, The South Florida Sun Sentinel. I yearn for a Wash Post Newsletter like “Acts of Faith” but I don’t have anything both faith and election related.

I don’t want to self publish a book. I’ve read a few self published books this year and find them hard to read. I need a new car, not a book.

I’m too new at this, and am sitting on a boatload of scandalous info I haven’t seen anywhere else (shocking corruption, glamour, Hollywood, real life celebrities, throughbred horsetraining, modeling, acting, alternative radio and organized crime…stuff I’ve never written about)…behind the scenes entertainment stuff agents say they are looking for in prospective clients.

But do I really have anything to say?

 

 

Words…why they turn me on?

AlLiliPulPink

This is what Sunny South Florida will do to you if you go walking, etc.

Vertiginous: Steep, high, causing someone to become dizzy.

Parapet: A low protective wall.

Riverine: Of a river or a riverbank. What context, I wonder?

Pileated: Having a cap like a mushroom. Maybe a hat is what they are speaking of.

Purloined: Steal, thievery

Suicidal Bipolar Projects ‘Plan,’ and I’m in Hospital?

How else can I say it, title it?

allicat

You are my people. My resource.

You hear it first.

My life is messy.

It’s not the worst.

My BFF turned my life upside down.

You guys know I have chronic pain and was looking for a way out. I went Cold turkey for over a week. The worst pain I’ve ever had except for the 60 day flare in reaction to an ‘interventional pain management’ pain doc. Yeah, ‘interventional’ all right. Between me and my life. Between me and my pocketbook. Once back on, thought I could not get off. But I’ve been sick ever since. Hey, you play you pay.

Weak and sick I wanted to go to the ER and check for an obstruction. On the way gonna stop by my BFF’s. I’d packed my low sugar high fiber foods and protein Shakes with Pomegranate in them and Off I was gonna go. Except for one hitch. She’d called the cops and said I was suicidal. Cuffed and dragged off to the psych ward. Then she called my father and told him private stuff. She’s always hated my husband. Partly because he doesn’t have money and she thinks I could do so much better.

I’ll really miss her. Foreign films, world affairs, someone intellectual, worldly and brainy to be around and another former disc jockey.

I think it’s a marketable story. What can I call it in seven words or less so that betrayal and paradox jump right off the page; promising a publisher clicks? Can I Sell it to Buzzfeed? Vice? Gawker? Who?  It’s got to be a rebellious type of publication. One that questions the system a tad.

The two publications I write for probably wouldn’t appreciate my caustic tone when I describe yanking the warden’s chains; claiming I’m a nationally published writer who is also in their daily newspaper, a mantle of credibility which happens to be true. People get starstruck.

The puzzlement on their faces was precious. Priceless.   Maybe it’s true. Maybe she’s here by mistake. Our mistake.

Where does this story of one friendship (probably a sick, codependant attachment) end and a new life of healthier pursuits and a more balanced set of associates begin?

Because it’s not really about what she did to me, it’s about why I attract people to my life sicker than I am. That’s what’s nuts.  Then I share my intimacies. Totally Bonkers.

All along I assumed she understood and she’d just been laying in wait to get me locked up somewhere.  She’s disapproved of my level of care and self care all along, right down to the cooler full of raw foods, low sugar fruit, protein and water I carry around.

The Real Nina Simone (Bipolar Disorder Recovery)..not new movie

ninareal

Last night, we finally got around to watching what I was afraid would be depressing, the Netflix bio on Nina Simone, the REAL documentary, not the one that just came out with actors.

There was a lot of black and white in her life and I don’t just mean race. Growing up in North Carolina, because her family were church goers, she had just enough access to the church piano that her gift was noticed and nourished.

She was a heated civil rights activist and the music she wrote after the Alabama Church bombings like “Mississippi Goddamn” was banned from the radio. Today, they’d do a deletion or an edit and she’d so much press that her album would have sold like crazy. But that was a different time and she was a black woman in the 50’s 60’s and 70’s.

At one point, after years of abuse and overwork (she was the breadwinner and her ex-cop wifebeater husband her manager) she just broke down. You could see in her eyes that she was disaffected, disconnected…depressed and dead inside.

They took her to Switzerland in the 60’s and put her on Trilofon, an antipsychotic. What interested me about that was back then they knew and warned her about tardive dyskinesia…changes to her gate, neurological twitches, and the impact it would have on her kidneys. But she recovered….it did affect her creativity and improvisation with varying genres of music, she wasn’t as wild with her art. But she was happy again. And she lived to be 70 in the South of France, financially self sufficient and as she put it, ‘free.’

 

Ice Cream Diet to Keep Antidepressant Down

icecreamdiet

I am on a terrific antidepressant. But it has this side effect of severe nausea. In the literature and online, that’s it’s most common side effect.

I’m on this antidepressant because I go thru med fatigue where the med gets tired of working, or the brain can’t be fooled anymore..I am not sure which.

I fall into a bipolar depression, which can last months or years. If I get lucky, like three times in the last five years, I get ahold of something I’ve never been on and I am better within a week. That has been my experience with the newest antidepressants that have come out between 2010 and 2016. The other thing that works is to rotate them, and when depression hits to return to an antidepressant that I used five or ten years ago that worked well, and it works again.  But I’m at the end of the line.

All the other choices, except tricyclics, MAOI’s or ECT have been used up. Nothing has been FDA approved since 2013, I’m pretty sure. So I returned to Brintellix, after Viibryd and Pristiq and Fetmiza wore out. I got violently ill. For two weeks I could not keep it down and got depressed again. I had been on a pretty strict diet, no desserts, a lot of rabbit food. One night I ate ice cream and Voila! The medication stayed down. So I’ve been eating ice cream for a month now and my mood is back to normal. Problem is this: Ice cream is a binge food for me. When I start eating it it’s hard to stop. I’ve gained 6 pounds from it.

How do you balance out binge foods? I have not figured this one out.

Live To Tell on “The History Channel”

Peter Berg

 

Peter Berg, a fabulous actor “The Last Seduction”(indie film) “Chicago Hope” and “Alias”…you’ll see him here and there. He spearheaded the film and TV show “Friday Night Lights,” which heartbreakingly illustrated how integral Religion and High School
Football are to small town Texas.

One of his early movies was “terrible things,” a dark comedy about a Las Vegas Bachelor Party gone horribly wrong. So funny.

Now he has a series on Navy Seals called “Live To Tell.”

There are the guys who go in and do our dirty work, sometimes with complete deniability, similarly to those pressed into service during the Bengazi siege. They were there supposedly as drivers for the Ambassador, who was a real idealist, who believed in American involvement to right the careening ship of Libyan rule after the toppling of a 42-year reign of terror w/Quaddafi. (sp…can’t spell worth shit)

But this is not about Libya. It’s about Peter Berg and his new series. You have to see it to believe it.

I’m asking your opinion if you have time could you answer?

vera1999AllisonBlackandWhite

cropped-jamesclearer.jpgf

Should I change my photo rom the current photo on the left, switching to the one up above on the left or up above on the right, leaning into my hand?

Which is better for my blog, “Bipolar Strength: Rebel With A Cause?”

I’m still a rebel but I stand FOR things, not against them. My friend has helped me see this, so I’m modifying my blog to reflect it.

My name is Allison Strong. I used to be an outspoken, highly rated female (obviously), alternative disc jockey, a continuation of a music scene that defied the status quo, sometimes to good effect.

It was an era when we could talk about depression. I even had a regular guest named “the cemetery guy” and people absolutely loved him!

My boss wasn’t sure about it but when he saw my ratings spike, it decimated every preconceived notion he had about what made ‘good radio.’ People were ok with the dark side. The ratings bore that out.

 

People won’t admit it but want a good image. That’s why I went with something professional, obviously contrived. But it was a mockup of the late movie star James Dean, and his titular film “Rebel Without A Cause.” That’s why I went with the wifebeater T shirt one.

I want to show rebellion and questioning the status quo, doing things like researching medicines and their side effects before taking them, instead of doing what I did, blindly loading up on high doses of certain meds that had permanent neurological side effects.

 

It is what it is. I’m not angry about it anymore but want to ‘clue in’ the next generation of people getting an automatic bipolar disorder diagnosis and given a set of meds to take without question. It might not be so easy to get off them as it was to go on.

You can actually go online and google a med and the one in its’ class with the most class action lawsuits for a particular side effect, well you can add 2+2 or you wouldn’t be reading this right now. If I’d only have known.

So what do you think? Stay with Wifebeater and the darkness or pick the LOLOL laugh my head off shot or another professional smiley commercial headshot?

What is best? I’m having a hard time giving up the James Dean image. It’s a tough call. But I am modifying my name.

Allison

aka bipolarbrainiac