Words away…is this lame or what?

FLORIDASUNRISE

This is the view from my living room. Very hard to be depressed. Spending a lot of time out there. My part of the AIA coastal road in Hollywood is very 70’s with the two story not tell motels and easy access to the beach (lack of parking makes it so beach is private) as the Talking Heads sang, “What did I do to deserve This?”

Here are this week’s words….I think this is my “Bill Cunningham” (the guy who just died who rode around the streets of NYC with his camera and took photos for the ‘street style’ half page in the New York Times) anyway I think I just do this word thing cuz I like it myself. I figure if it makes me feel better….with bipolar and all, maybe you will find it fun, too.

swivet: fluster, panic reaction

rivulet: small stream but then you knew that.

bombastic: loud but w/o meaning or substance (I wonder who they were talking about there!)

exedra: Semicircular in nature, in Ancient Greek or Roman houses, a room with these sort of love seats where people can sit and talk.

Swimming With Sharks at Stanford

stanfordsharkmhammerhead

I went to Stanford on a Volleyball Scholarship. The elitism and exclusivity of this University, Stanford University, forms a bond like no other.  I never felt it. But it exists and I think it’s why this Stanford graduate judge gave the Stanford Scholarship Swimmer who’s been convicted of sexual assault a huge break.

Instead of 6-10 years, a standard sentence, his six months is being knocked down to three months.

Stanford-Stanford. I wasn’t a straight A student, president of the student body, multilingual chemist, ok, strive as I might. I’m a slow learning with racing thoughts, being bipolar, hypomanic within ‘well’ cycles, if you call them that.

This swimmer who possibly drugged and assaulted a semi conscious young woman is unconscionable.

2 trusted shrink/internist of 17 years re chronic pain, bipolar, side effects, Stanford Tardive & Ali

 

DSC01512DSC01510

Thanks to former BFF outta cash and cut outta the will. Dad can’t understand stuff like how  25 years psych meds and side effects, meds for the side effects for the side effects etc. It really DOES happen and according to him, it’s all my fault.  She didn’t understand either, thought the salads for the prediabetic condition side effect and my compulsive carrying of back issues of the new York times to read in waiting rooms was ‘crazy.’ as she built her case about me in silence, totally two faced, she caused more harm than she’ll ever know. She relayed she thought her friendship was a ‘gift’ to me. It was. It keeps on giving, too. I’m still picking up the pieces!!!!!!!!

w/Stanford Volleyball and exercise bulimia the combination of tardive dyskinesia and my annular tear, three herniated discs, spinal stenosis and psoriatic arthritis…well most people would have offed themselves by now.

Dear Reader. If you’re still here the following is actually interesting reading.

And if I may say so myself, I’m published in the local tribune outlet, Meloday maker UK, Hits mag, The Album Network, Arizona Republic, Bipolar Magazine, NAMI and International Bipolar Disorder Foundation (IBPF) in San Diego, the city I grew up in. I am working on a piece on tardive dyskinesia, also called “Extrapyramidal symptoms” for Neurology today for their next issue. My current publisher reached our with both hands; requesting a movement disorder piece when their sole source of income is from a drug company. Tardive is rarer than ever but still, mighty white of them.

This is pursuant to the crisis caused by former bff  projecting her 3 attempts going on a fourth suicidality on me, calling the cops and my father about my deteriorating state. He’s tried his best to help me financially in every way possible but….not have anything to do with the family. He just can’t figure out, understand how someone can possibly have so many problems. But then he’s never been on an MAOI or Clozaril or an antipsychotic causing tardive dyskinesia and a spiral of unending spasms and pain.

First order of business to take care of myself. Because of certain choices, side xfx,  not all my fault. I’m not a bad person. Dad thinks so. I can’t afford to think that way. I make bad choices and things get worse! Physical, ongoing mental health still paramount. Pain, bowel still problematic. Still needing 290 mg (top) Linzess and once weekly emergency injections of Relistor, an 80.00 copayment even within catastrophic period. I’m still looking for a healthier way. 16.00 copay to see original pain specialist of three years, still picking people’s brains. Followed through w/appt.  Saw a new, likely temporary pain doc (anti narc) studying to be an All Cash “Functional” (read: Holistic)  Medicine”specialist. For a less toxic, least constipating solution, she wrote 7.5 Microgram Butrans patch, still a narc. She gets it. Copy Enclosed.  Of course I didn’t fill it. I was just picking her brain for free, like I did when I first got Tardive Dyskinesia and  saw 15 doctors who weren’t able to treat me and couldn’t admit it. They said ‘psychsomatic’ (Cleveland clinic female doc) were sexist, stigmatizing and didn’t want anything to do with me.. afraid I’d sue them which I never would. I just want to get well.

Still journaling the box, diet and exercise changes, trying to make it work. I’m in more pain but that’s not THE most pressing I hurt too much to exercise the way I used to– partially a good thing. Spine mindfulness, so to speak.  Gentle walks, stretching and at home mat pilates swimming for now. Discontinuing Y membership and beloved NYT. 100.00 Savings. First Haircut in a year. Thanks, Clair. I don’t think you meant well. I think you need help for your brain tumor, beneign as it may be, it’s interfering with your decision making process. I feel for ya. I don’t feel so well myself. But we’re not good for each other and never will be.

Words, Words, Words

alblackdressmallThis is Allison Biszantz Aka Allison “Strong” Yes, I finally “came out”

One of these days I’m going to figure out why learning new things reduces my chronic pain and lifts my moods and share it with you. In the meantime, you just gotta take my word for it.

Meme  element of culture or humorous symbol shared wildly on the internet.

Anomie  Lack of usual or expected social or ethical standards…(Brazil, Venezuela or Domestic Presumptives)?

Hagiographer…a person who writes passionately positive, glowing bios about their subject.

Lugubrious..mournful, sad, gloomy

That Stanford college entrance essay….that I wrote way back then

stanford

The Farm. My dorm was Toyon Hall, and John Elway was in the room next door. Yes, co ed dorms.

Ok, now that Stanford accepted absolutely No One, Nobody, Not a soul into the class of 2020, they’ve cemented their reputation as being the most selective institution of higher learning for all eternity.

Recently my father gave me a back handed pat on the back, “Allison, you were clever enough to get into Stanford, I’m sure you can figure your way out of…” this is the first time he told me I was smart, or gave me credit for my determination…anything. Now, again, we are not speaking. See, I’m not the daughter who works at La Perla or Runs the Golf Division of Nike or …..Evan Picone or a leading Del Mar realtor during the hardest times in housing. 

I will say this: I went for my dreams and got more than I even bargained for. I didn’t dare dream I would ever be a rock disc jockey…those ladies were so supercool and composed as they played their Pink Floyd….but it happened and part of it was that I had worked at the Stanford Radio station, KZSU, as a political interviewer, capturing quotes from the likes of Maxine Waters. So after a year of selling advertising at a paper, when I had a drug relapse ending a full year of clean time, I got fired, and ran to the local radio station and told them the truth. They had drug users on staff who were lying about it so they were happy to replace one of them with me. I, at least, wanted to stop, was trying my best. I just had gone to the wrong New Year’s Eve Party.

I’m going to retype most of my college entrance essay. Lately, I’ve been reviewing my notes from my journalism class, a class I truly enjoyed. So I thought I’d dig out the ol’ essay I wrote. Keep in mind though, I had an aunt who graduated from Stanford and I was on a partial (not full) athletic scholarship.

Not for lack of trying……over a grueling, failure-filled four years….. I’d managed to climb to the top of the San Diego All CIF heap as MVP of both my team and San Diego. It was my very first season actually playing (as opposed to riding the bench) on a team that I kept getting cut from. Because of my lack of experience, I didn’t have the instinctive ‘court sense’ possessed by young women from Orange County…i.e.,  Newport Beach or Laguna, who got started playing off season ‘club’ ball at the age of 11. But that’s another story.

 

“The ‘I’ Paper”

I believe I am a well-rounded student, a student who succeeds at athletics, the arts, and probably most important, one who enjoys and adapts well to the new environments and the people within them.

In the second semester of my junior year, I transferred from Torrey Pines High School in Southern California, to Wood River High School in Idaho., (where Sgt Bergdahl is from, Hailey, Idaho, near Sun Valley and Ketchum)

Although my new school was a complete change from my original school, I was able to acclimate myself ot the new surroundings by making friend sand being involved in school activities. I maintained honor’s marks at a more academically demanding school.

 

While at Wood River (which we pranksters called “Weed Reefer” and snow shooed, stamping out and shoveling out the white, revealing those words in black dirt) way up in the mountains overlooking the campus, an eyesore seen from the highway)! I tried out for the musical production of the spring semester (Guys and Dolls….the female lead required dizzying soprano heights I had to stop smoking…altogether)

Although I was not in the drama class at the school, I received both the lead part and the outstanding actress award at the end of the year!

My teachers nominated me for the good citizen award (hehe) and the students elected me to the finals.

Presently I am back at Torrey Pines High School  (this is 1979…right now it’s 2016), where I have been on the honor roll for several semesters and have been elected and served on student congress both my sophomore and junior year. (why can’t I remember that? Did I lie about it)?

I found it exciting to be involved in making decisiojns in student government and to relay them to the student body.

Since elementary school, I have always had a desire to achieve high marks in school (this was to get my Dad’s approval, a very hard thing to obtain, even today) and have enjoyed most of my subjects. Excluding ninth grade, my GPA for A-F (that’s a UC, meaning University of California…like UC David or UCLA classification of a required class for college admission. For example, you had to have two years of a foreign language or advanced math like Calculus..) My gpa for A-F slcasses is a 3.38 (so low compared to most Stanford Applicants!!!! That volleyball skill that Dad said was a ‘beach bum sport’ kinda came in handy after all!!!)

and on the rise. My most favorite classes have been English, History, Composition and Drama. I perceive these areas as my strong points…(even then, using the word ‘strong!’ my real last name is Biszantz…maybe one day I’ll pull it out. My family would be mortified, they beg me to stay anonymous so as not to shame them).

I’m tired. I will finish this essay tomorrow. Simply tagging this first in a series of three…or maybe two, will take all I have left. See ya tomorrow, same time, same place. Bipolar Strength: Rebel With A Cause.

Allison Biszantz

That Stanford college entrance essay….that I wrote way back then

stanford

The Farm. My dorm was Toyon Hall, and John Elway was in the room next door. Yes, co ed dorms.

Ok, now that Stanford accepted absolutely No One, Nobody, Not a soul into the class of 2020, they’ve cemented their reputation as being the most selective institution of higher learning for all eternity.

Recently my father gave me a back handed pat on the back, “Allison, you were clever enough to get into Stanford, I’m sure you can figure your way out of…” this is the first time he told me I was smart, or gave me credit for my determination…anything. Now, again, we are not speaking. See, I’m not the daughter who works at La Perla or Runs the Golf Division of Nike or …..Evan Picone or a leading Del Mar realtor during the hardest times in housing. 

I will say this: I went for my dreams and got more than I even bargained for. I didn’t dare dream I would ever be a rock disc jockey…those ladies were so supercool and composed as they played their Pink Floyd….but it happened and part of it was that I had worked at the Stanford Radio station, KZSU, as a political interviewer, capturing quotes from the likes of Maxine Waters. So after a year of selling advertising at a paper, when I had a drug relapse ending a full year of clean time, I got fired, and ran to the local radio station and told them the truth. They had drug users on staff who were lying about it so they were happy to replace one of them with me. I, at least, wanted to stop, was trying my best. I just had gone to the wrong New Year’s Eve Party.

I’m going to retype most of my college entrance essay. Lately, I’ve been reviewing my notes from my journalism class, a class I truly enjoyed. So I thought I’d dig out the ol’ essay I wrote. Keep in mind though, I had an aunt who graduated from Stanford and I was on a partial (not full) athletic scholarship.

Not for lack of trying……over a grueling, failure-filled four years….. I’d managed to climb to the top of the San Diego All CIF heap as MVP of both my team and San Diego. It was my very first season actually playing (as opposed to riding the bench) on a team that I kept getting cut from. Because of my lack of experience, I didn’t have the instinctive ‘court sense’ possessed by young women from Orange County…i.e.,  Newport Beach or Laguna, who got started playing off season ‘club’ ball at the age of 11. But that’s another story.

 

“The ‘I’ Paper”

I believe I am a well-rounded student, a student who succeeds at athletics, the arts, and probably most important, one who enjoys and adapts well to the new environments and the people within them.

In the second semester of my junior year, I transferred from Torrey Pines High School in Southern California, to Wood River High School in Idaho., (where Sgt Bergdahl is from, Hailey, Idaho, near Sun Valley and Ketchum)

Although my new school was a complete change from my original school, I was able to acclimate myself ot the new surroundings by making friend sand being involved in school activities. I maintained honor’s marks at a more academically demanding school.

 

While at Wood River (which we pranksters called “Weed Reefer” and snow shooed, stamping out and shoveling out the white, revealing those words in black dirt) way up in the mountains overlooking the campus, an eyesore seen from the highway)! I tried out for the musical production of the spring semester (Guys and Dolls….the female lead required dizzying soprano heights I had to stop smoking…altogether)

Although I was not in the drama class at the school, I received both the lead part and the outstanding actress award at the end of the year!

My teachers nominated me for the good citizen award (hehe) and the students elected me to the finals.

Presently I am back at Torrey Pines High School  (this is 1979…right now it’s 2016), where I have been on the honor roll for several semesters and have been elected and served on student congress both my sophomore and junior year. (why can’t I remember that? Did I lie about it)?

I found it exciting to be involved in making decisiojns in student government and to relay them to the student body.

Since elementary school, I have always had a desire to achieve high marks in school (this was to get my Dad’s approval, a very hard thing to obtain, even today) and have enjoyed most of my subjects. Excluding ninth grade, my GPA for A-F (that’s a UC, meaning University of California…like UC David or UCLA classification of a required class for college admission. For example, you had to have two years of a foreign language or advanced math like Calculus..) My gpa for A-F slcasses is a 3.38 (so low compared to most Stanford Applicants!!!! That volleyball skill that Dad said was a ‘beach bum sport’ kinda came in handy after all!!!)

and on the rise. My most favorite classes have been English, History, Composition and Drama. I perceive these areas as my strong points…(even then, using the word ‘strong!’ my real last name is Biszantz…maybe one day I’ll pull it out. My family would be mortified, they beg me to stay anonymous so as not to shame them).

I’m tired. I will finish this essay tomorrow. Simply tagging this first in a series of three…or maybe two, will take all I have left. See ya tomorrow, same time, same place. Bipolar Strength: Rebel With A Cause.

Allison Biszantz