American Crime Story: People Vs OJ

 

 

I could not believe how good this show is. Sarah Paulson from uberproducer’s other shows, “American Horror,” as Jessica Lange’s daughter in the witch coven…for example, she makes a terrific Marsha Clark; so driven, so aggressive and so WHITE, she lost the case for them. For all of her bluster, her constantly changing hair styles and wardrobe showed us how deeply she cared about our opinion of her. And I’ve learned over the years that isn’t a real good thing to do. But I’d set this up to record…it makes great entertainment and shows how this spectable of ‘if it doesn’t fit, acquit’ put the Kardashian kids, their mother Chris Jenner and the deeply the late Mr Kardashian, a confidante of ‘the juice’ cared for his troubled friend accussed of double homicide…in tony Brentwood, no less!cubagooding

Weight Gain from Antipsychotics/Tardive Dyskinesia

Many of us bipolar and schizophrenics take antipsychotic medicine. I’m one of those who developed Tardive Dyskinesia, a syndrome of involuntary muscle movements. Normally they are seen in the mouth and jaw. The person looks like they are chewing constantly. Some people have it in their neck and their head bobs from side to side, rolling around all day. Most people can take Cogentin for this and it’s an easy deal for them. I was not so lucky. I get blackouts from Cogentin and Topamax, for that matter.  I went for a search for symptom control that lasted three years. One of the drugs that helps me with my symptoms, paradoxically is the first of the atypical antipsychotics developed, Clozaril.

Clozaril is a big weight gainer. I got up to 220 lbs. A former Model and actor, I have body image issues you can’t believe. There is more to the story of the risks of antipsychotic meds. The weight gain leads to metabolic syndrome (a disproportionate amount of weight around the stomach and into the internal organs), hyperinsulinism, and finally diabetes type two.

Once on Clozaril, I became a person with “Binge Eating Disorder.” Eating, itself, made me ravenous. I would be hungrier after an entire meal than if I never ate at all. Due to the fact that I also have ADHD, I went on the new FDA approved for Binge Eating Disorder drug, Vyvanse. I would visit the doctors who I see bi-annually and they would say, “Allison, you seem different, so clearer, there’s a light in your eyes, what are you doing differently?” (and that was before the weight came off!)  A psychiatrist I saw for a second opinion occasionally for the Tardive Dyskinesia was so impressed with the change in me that he doubled my dose without me even asking!  I was enthusiastic, happy, motivated to write.

Vyvanse is not on my formulary, so it cost 100 a month to be  on it. The weight fell off, taking a year to lose that 50 lbs. I craved salads and fruits, rather than sugar. I got tired of paying for the Vyvanse, and because it simply metabolizes as Adderall in the body, I started to use Adderall.  I had a good three years there. I had no food issues. But recently, I became uncomfortable with how the Adderall was making me feel. It wore off too fast and I was ravenous again. So I stopped taking on Memorial Day. And boy have I been depressed. Paid a high price for physical health. Let me ask you, what’s worse, depression or diabetes?  I’m still trying to figure this out .It’s almost been thirty days and I’m gaining weight quickly. So I’ve eliminated bread and sugar. I’m seeing an acupuncturist for weight control and depression. I don’t want to go back to this:   tribal 013outofthewater-001

The breaking of a bone in my foot presented opportunities

I’m supposed to be taking time off my foot. It’s been a relief not to have to shop and cook, I’ll admit. And I’ve gotten more writing done because of it. I’ve been hand writing from the couch. I don’t have the funds to buy a laptop, and even though people say ‘just put it on a credit card,’ I’m barely making my minimums presently and don’t want them to grow.

I’ve started to take days off blogging and devote to the book exclusively. I will scroll through email but only look at critical ones. Social Media can distract me to the point where I get nothing done.

Also, I realized I needed to start the first novel in the trilogy at the point when I enter the radio business and what got me there. A lot of it was dumb luck. But maybe my subconscious led me to the river.

Why is it so important to write a book? Because my life has been such a fuss and such a combination of efforts on behalf of so many people that it bears witness. Some sort of GPS or road map or survival journal should be there for the perusal of those who come after me.

Also, to inspire, because I’ve overcome so many negative predictions on the subject of: getting my SAG card, getting commercials on my own merit, making the volleyball team, getting published by NAMI and IBPF, Get into a good college, or live a happy life.

A lot of my problems stem from being raised by a borderline, bipolar, alcoholic, compulsive gambler of a parent. Though I know he loves me, nothing was ever good enough for him to even listen to without telling me what was wrong with it, or me.

So two weeks ago when he offered to help me self publish my first book, like a dumb tilapia, I took the bait, only to be told how stupid a woman I am, how he never offered to help me self publish, that the whole mission is a waste of time, ad infinitum. It made me realize that however well meaning his offer was, a lot of what I write about is going to reflect on him and let’s just say I allowed him to help me and the first book didn’t take off or make any money (most don’t). He would start berating me to stop writing. So I can’t let him get near my writing. He would try to kill it because that’s just who he is. He won’t admit it, but he wants to be the star of every show.

The outcome of him withdrawing his support brought on a depression so deep I wasn’t sure that I was going to make it through. That’s scary. That’s why I post that I’m not scared of sharks and car crashes and cancer, I’m afraid of depression.

Since the time of my diagnosis, I’ve been shunned. Why? There is a narcissist, a few drinkers, gamblers, and one sociopath in their number. I don’t want to get burned. I have been dis-invited to two weddings of sisters, and left out of every family event. I’ve been told that I embarrass the family. Money is not a problem, but closeness is.

I’m actually proud of myself. I’m trying to do something I’ve never done before. I think that breaking it into bite sized pieces is actually going to help me with this earlier material I’ve taken on. I just am scared.  Sometimes I want to just quit. I’ve done so much work already.  I’m going to go back on the couch, or is it coach?  hahaha

International Bipolar Foundation this mo

http://ibpf.org/blog/upsides-being-down

I’ve had bipolar relapses 20 times in my 25 years since my dx. I’ve learned that not everything is a negative, so at their request, I wrote this short artcle for IBPF. Let me iknow, please if the link doesn’t work.

Horse pictured is Floral Countess, a gift from my boyfriend Bobby Frankel, who bought it off the late Martin Ritt for 50,000. Bobby wanted to get married from the moment he met me…but it didn’t work out because he didn’t want a career girl. He wanted to be the only star. Tell Bethenny. She’ll probably relate to that.