2 trusted shrink/internist of 17 years re chronic pain, bipolar, side effects, Stanford Tardive & Ali

 

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Thanks to former BFF outta cash and cut outta the will. Dad can’t understand stuff like how  25 years psych meds and side effects, meds for the side effects for the side effects etc. It really DOES happen and according to him, it’s all my fault.  She didn’t understand either, thought the salads for the prediabetic condition side effect and my compulsive carrying of back issues of the new York times to read in waiting rooms was ‘crazy.’ as she built her case about me in silence, totally two faced, she caused more harm than she’ll ever know. She relayed she thought her friendship was a ‘gift’ to me. It was. It keeps on giving, too. I’m still picking up the pieces!!!!!!!!

w/Stanford Volleyball and exercise bulimia the combination of tardive dyskinesia and my annular tear, three herniated discs, spinal stenosis and psoriatic arthritis…well most people would have offed themselves by now.

Dear Reader. If you’re still here the following is actually interesting reading.

And if I may say so myself, I’m published in the local tribune outlet, Meloday maker UK, Hits mag, The Album Network, Arizona Republic, Bipolar Magazine, NAMI and International Bipolar Disorder Foundation (IBPF) in San Diego, the city I grew up in. I am working on a piece on tardive dyskinesia, also called “Extrapyramidal symptoms” for Neurology today for their next issue. My current publisher reached our with both hands; requesting a movement disorder piece when their sole source of income is from a drug company. Tardive is rarer than ever but still, mighty white of them.

This is pursuant to the crisis caused by former bff  projecting her 3 attempts going on a fourth suicidality on me, calling the cops and my father about my deteriorating state. He’s tried his best to help me financially in every way possible but….not have anything to do with the family. He just can’t figure out, understand how someone can possibly have so many problems. But then he’s never been on an MAOI or Clozaril or an antipsychotic causing tardive dyskinesia and a spiral of unending spasms and pain.

First order of business to take care of myself. Because of certain choices, side xfx,  not all my fault. I’m not a bad person. Dad thinks so. I can’t afford to think that way. I make bad choices and things get worse! Physical, ongoing mental health still paramount. Pain, bowel still problematic. Still needing 290 mg (top) Linzess and once weekly emergency injections of Relistor, an 80.00 copayment even within catastrophic period. I’m still looking for a healthier way. 16.00 copay to see original pain specialist of three years, still picking people’s brains. Followed through w/appt.  Saw a new, likely temporary pain doc (anti narc) studying to be an All Cash “Functional” (read: Holistic)  Medicine”specialist. For a less toxic, least constipating solution, she wrote 7.5 Microgram Butrans patch, still a narc. She gets it. Copy Enclosed.  Of course I didn’t fill it. I was just picking her brain for free, like I did when I first got Tardive Dyskinesia and  saw 15 doctors who weren’t able to treat me and couldn’t admit it. They said ‘psychsomatic’ (Cleveland clinic female doc) were sexist, stigmatizing and didn’t want anything to do with me.. afraid I’d sue them which I never would. I just want to get well.

Still journaling the box, diet and exercise changes, trying to make it work. I’m in more pain but that’s not THE most pressing I hurt too much to exercise the way I used to– partially a good thing. Spine mindfulness, so to speak.  Gentle walks, stretching and at home mat pilates swimming for now. Discontinuing Y membership and beloved NYT. 100.00 Savings. First Haircut in a year. Thanks, Clair. I don’t think you meant well. I think you need help for your brain tumor, beneign as it may be, it’s interfering with your decision making process. I feel for ya. I don’t feel so well myself. But we’re not good for each other and never will be.

90’s Film “Swimming With Sharks” w/Kevin Spacey

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It’s “Shark Week.” And I’m back out in the water, crawling my 1 1/2 miles with a back brace on to prevent me from aggravating my spine twisting my torso too far when I turn right and left for a breath of air.

Little by little, we lose things we love and adjust, accept and move on. I’m the worst, constantly trying to ‘have iot all,’ as my health deteriorates. lololol! I need to go back to AA and practice “Acceptance” and  “Life on Life’s Terms.” Did those faces trigger or seem punitively grim to anyone else? Or am I the only one?

 

Anyway, movies like these, (and I’ll bet you never heard of “Swimming With Sharks),” helps me with chronic pain. Maybe cuz it’s my favorite topic: Hollywood Studios and the machinations taking place behind the walls.

It was an indie film and did not get wide distribution. I lived in LA when it came out and also when the film “Affliction” was released, featuring Nick Nolte, Willem Dafoe, Sissy Spacek and the late James Coburn.  Family alcoholism and mental illness passed on and one in a small town in Maine. The bitterly cold climate was a perfect counterpoint to the simmering rage between brothers over ‘who fucked up the worst’ similar to Bloodline. These are Indie films with A-listers.

What does that tell you about Hollywood, Money And Power?

 

I taking on the ‘powers that be’ trying to address a side effect of antipsychotics that’s mostly covered up.

It’s a movement disorder. I have it.  If I say what, I’m afraid you’ll split. But it’s important. It may be rarer than we thought but it’s real. People at risk or showing early signs need to know.

Deal? Help me? Click and/or comment on this little story if you think we can help each other…. and I’ll find out who you are and we can talk about whatever. On WP, we do that, or at least that’s my experience.

http://www.bphope.com/blog/bipolar-mood-cycles-stop-fighting-and-win/

Bipolar Comorbid Inc. Bipolar Hope Article about the power of Passive Resistance

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They’re after me.

Who is that “Strong” Woman behind these pictures? That loudmouth writer, Allison “Strong?”

The fight has gone out. Bipolar Comorbid Inc.  “Too much Information Driving Me Insane” (The Police)

But like Ali, the fire hasn’t left my eyes.

Last night binging “Bloodline” on Netflix, I heard the rock sax sounds of the band “Morphine,” doing a 90’s song, “Sharks Patrol These Waters.”

So looked for and found all my Morphine CD’s.

Predictably, they’re empty.

So are the Steely Dans.  Go. Passive. Again. Find strength in that.

Here’s my new bipolar hope article. Please be kind and click to its’ source, Bipolar Hope, bphope.com

(I’m measured by clicks).

http://www.bphope.com/blog/bipolar-mood-cycles-stop-fighting-and-win/

 

Bullsharks in South Florida They Bite

bullsharkFLoutofthewaterThis is me, coming out of a long run followed by a two hour swim. I am exercise bulimic. I eat and then work out. I deal with Sharks.

Great Whites are more prevalent on the Pacific Coast and other colder water climates…I think Australia and South Africa have them. For warmer water and brackish water like we have in the Canals, (they have even found these bullsharks in the Mississippi River)!

I’m a thrill seeker and exercise addict (which has caused quite a few problems)… after a few orthopedic surgeries I temporarily turned to swimming long distances at the Olympic Pool at Stanford University. Later I began swimming way out in the Ocean, both in Mexico, Del Mar and finally now here in Florida. Boy, once you master the breathing and about 20 minutes passes, you get really high and I’m not sure why.

What keeps me from going out there now (but I’m going to return) are active Sharkbites not so far from home.  I saw a Mako and A skimmer out swimming a couple of times but once they saw me, they boogied. I live in Hollywood on the Atlantic Ocean. Bullsharks populate more northern areas of the Florida Atlantic coast like Vero beach and Daytona, partly because of the surfers, who they confuse with sea lions, etc.

We had a Bullshark Bite last week. It happened to a guy who was spearfishing and had loaded up the ocean water with blood. It’s called a “Provoked Attack,” in other words totally NOT the Shark’s fault.

Basically sharks are only interested in fish for food. We are too bony, in reality, for them.

I live in an area where there really is no food for them. But over on the West Coast, in the La Jolla Caves near San Diego, you’ve got all these seals sunning themselves on the rocks, and Great White
Bites are a plenty. Ten Miles up the Pacific is Del Mar, where there has never been a shark bite ever.

When I go swimming and there are schools of fish, I get spooked and get out of the water, right away. Anywhere there’s food, there’s bound to be sharks. They’ve got like radar and show up out of nowhere.

 

WP keeps screwing up… Let’s see if they can get this post right. You just never know w/some people

One thing about Allison Strong….she refuses to disappear because she has more problems than we’re comfortable with.

She spoke out when………The one person whose job it was to listen tuned out her every word!

She’s been warned by her good friend T to stop being pushy but old habits die hard. (That’s why the therapy)! 

She lives for clicks, shares, likes, nonlikes…  Sadly,  the primal, reflexive movement of your wrist is the yardstick she’s measured by …….well we all know about that.  

Her Article about the deaf therapist is now on bphope.com’s facebook page. Will ya click to let her know she’s still alive? She’ll repay the favor and then some, even if she has to hunt you down! Not really.

https://www.facebook.com/bpMagazine/posts/1359419514083572

 

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The saga continues on April 8 as she takes down the disturbing dominance of “Top Ten” list format for mental  and physical health articles. 

 

bipolarbrainiac.wordpress.com  

 

Endorphins junk science after all.

So now, it turns out that endorphins were a myth, junk science, the molecule is too large to penetrate the ‘blood brain barrier.’ they are thinking the runner’s ‘high’ is due to endocannabinoids, related to…yes you got it…pot! And endorphins are a natural, fleeting painkiller but they are not the ‘high’ everyone has talked about since the 70’s. What a crock.

Write On

I am back to writing my book. I was lost for a while and then reread “Haldol and Hyacinths,” because I wanted to see and hear the author’s voice. My book is not a memoir, it’s a trilogy of fiction with a manic depressive character who is still in the workplace. I am feeling like I am hitting my stride. Finding my own voice. It’s actually in rewrite.  I have bipolar disorder and have had it for twenty five years. The first med regime worked really well for ten years. I was actually seeing my GP for my meds. When the meds stopped working, I was lost for another three years and then got back on track and returned to work.

Earlier last week, I went to Lexington to see my father, who is a little up and down himself.  So I didn’t write for five days. I am spending about four hours a day on my book which is making it so that I don’t blog as often. But I did turn in a part one and part two eating disorder exercise bulimia blog to International bipolar foundation. It turns out that as many as 14-20% of patients with bipolar disorder actually have a co-occurring eating disorder. I’d been working on that piece, #no longer a number# for quite some time. I’m cooking right now, taking a few minutes away from the stove and hoping I don’t get burned. (my food, I mean.)

Now that my antipsychotic has pushed me half way to diabetes, I have to be really careful of what I eat and mostly cook for myself …another thing that takes time away from my reading and writing.

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The answer to all life’s problems: Buy a juicer!

My Peer Mentor is very well intentioned. Thanks to him, I have finally discovered the ultimate cure and solution to my chronic pain and all life’s other challenges as a bipolar person with tardive dyskinesia: Buy a Juicer! Yes, folks, it’s that simple.

At a Behavioral Health Center nearby, I have a WRAP plan and goals that I discuss with my mentor. I was in a depression relapse and having problems with back pain. It’s a lovely center but after I got tardive dyskinesia and fell off of their volunteer rolls, they deemed I am no longer ‘stable’ enough to be a volunteer. This can only mean that God wants me to spend my time writing.

I’ve struggle with exercise bulimia my whole life. I’ve had more surgeries than an NFL linebacker, all in search of the body beautiful, which I thought would overcompensate for my other problems. Some mornings my back pain on a scale of 1-10 is an 8, really burning up, man. I use ice packs, Mobic, a Lidocaine patch and the occasional pain pill when life demands it. I can’t handle being all laid up. I’m only 54. But you know that these centers and mental health professionals in general think that if you have a mental illness, you should not be given controlled substances. You’ll become an addict!!! I have news for them. I already am an addict!!! That fact was established in the 80’s with cocaine. One I started I could not stop. That doesn’t mean that applies to Benzos and Pain pills. I am very conservative in my use,,and if they knew how many extras I have, it would  make them very nervous and they’d cut me off.

Well, anyway, this is not stuff I share with my Peer Mentor because he’s already trying to be subtle about his absolute anti stance on pain medicine. He must never have gone through what I go through. Of course not, he’s not exercise bulimic, isn’t a former professional athlete and a weight freak. I’m on an anti-inflammatory diet, anti-inflammatory herb and drink tons of water. My Peer mentor didn’t think I was doing the right things for my low back, which is degenerated, herniated and has an annular tear they can never repair. The edges of it hit the nerves and..

“I have a great idea,” he said, “Have you ever looked into nutrition for pain relief?” I thought I already was. “I think you should buy a juicer,” he exclaimed. Dumbfounded, I could only nod in assent. I was laughing or crying inside, not sure. Now I see the light!!!

I’m confused though. I was already eating celery, radishes, kale, carrots, beets, lettuce, arugula and cabbabe in my daily salads, with avocado and that crunchy little white root vegetable, Jicama. How would juicing make my life suddenly transform. How will all the structural problems in my spine just disappear? Is it something in the noise of the blender? Please, Please, get back to me on this. Let me know and send me the links and other info on the best juicer for bad backs!

Back in the Eating Disorder World

Over the past 25 years I’ve gotten a lot of treatment in which I’m required to keep daily journals. Guess which treatment has the most notebooks filled with pain going on and on? My eating disorder journals. Daily missives to myself in which I pray to God to keep me away from the triggering food  (starches and sugar) and an overwhelming obsession with my weight.

There was an eating disorder before there was bipolar disorder. In fact the ED may have caused the bipolar because of the decade of cocaine abuse that I depended on to stay thin. When I became allergic to cocaine and nauseated, I welcomed it. After ten years of using cocaine and getting clean, THEN I got my bipolar diagnosis. After a year. There is such a high correlation between the two that people look at the comorbidity and ask chicken or egg questions. I’m pretty sure I know which happened and what caused what. Genetically, I’m predisposed to bipolar disorder but the extreme exercise and chemicals I’ve injested, well, you just don’t walk away from that scott free. Now that I’m off ADHD meds and no longer depressed or withdrawing from them, I’m all hungry again from the Clozaril.

I spent lots of time on the computer yesterday researching the whole metabolic issue and found that even integrative nutritionalists struggle with Obesity and are slaves to exercise, struggling with self esteem like crazy. No one seems to have any answers. I know a girl at the supermarket who is bipolar, obese, diabetic and takes some crazy medication I’ve never heard of to boost her metabolism. It makes her manic and speedy, just like you would supposed. If you had to choose a bullet to dodge, would it be diabetes or an unstable mood?

I really don’t want to go back to Overeaters Anonymous and obsess on a black and white ‘abstinence’ model. I get all rebellious and spin out of control with anger.