Recovery Beyond AA just want people to know there are options based on real science

sobertruthunbroken brain


Ironically, lately, I have been having to ‘work a program’ on a work situation. Acceptance, doing it their way. Removing my ego and proactive nature and allowing them to tell me what THEY want. Working on my ‘attitude of gratitude’ that I have a home to learn and grow in my writing.

Then, this post kinda knocking the program comes out. What am I supposed to do….ignore it? What do you think? Am I obnoxious or what?

Out Now: The Big Short Lives up to Big Hype




I saw “Big Short” yesterday and laughed so hard, especially at the scene with the Stripper in Florida who had five houses and a condo and no clue.  Christian Bale will win an academy award, definitely Golden Globe award as the misunderstood, Metallica loving, misanthropic misfit who took the time to crunch thousands of numbers, tabulate thousands of Fico scores, the first to recognize the housing bubble. And few believed him. So much laughter therapy. Marisa Tomei resumes her “Lincoln Lawyer” role playing someone’s sounding board, someone’s conscience as wife of the tortured  banker played by Steve Carrell. Ryan Gosling breaks the fourth wall similarly to how Kevin Spacey does in “House of Cards.”  We love him for it.

Manic While Mystery Shopping

So I was mystery shopping after getting my certification and driving from one supermall to another. I was the type of customer that the workers remembered so if I felt I was getting to familiar and and so forth I would tell the mystery shopping people and they would take me off the account.

They always pay you less than you are going to want to spend. For example, I was sent to L’Occitane, a shop with perfums and soaps that start at forty bucks. And for that shop you are given 30 to spend. Yuk, right?

Then I got a string of ‘shops’ that’s what jobs are called at Chanel and Dior cosmetic counters. A total of six. One after another, pretending to be interested, accepting a makeover, fun, right? Not so much, really. I was given 80 to spend, and their eye shadows start at 50.00. And if you get a makeover for free or go to a class, you will have so much pushed on you that it’s hard to stay within budget. The company was called “A Closer Look,” for those of you who want to do this kind of high end sampling.

Then there was the three hour long report with 200 questions on the back end of each shop.
And there was something wrong with their computer system. So I had to do each of these reports twice. That was the end of mystery shopping for me. Because the report was due tomorrow and they didn’t take any responsibility. Plus I had incurred credit card debt on account of being in stores, shopping, while manic. Never a fine idea.

What do I want out of this, anyway?

I was approached by someone in the business of optimizing websites.
They claimed to have investigated my site and found ways that they say I’m missing out on connectability. Maybe not the correct word, but they cited GoogleMobilGeddon as an ominous threat to my being accessible in my categories and tags. From the gist of it, they said they had looked at my acct same as if it were a website…which it’s not, and they would like to improve other people’s access to me in a Google search result and other search engine results. That really got me to thinking….what is it that I wanted out of this wordpress blog?

I’ve already been to Hollywood (CA) and done the acting thing, so I know better than to think I can go to Schwab’s café and drugstore and be discovered like Lana Turner and become some sort of star.  So, I never thought or aimed to be found as some great new writer from this account. I am a writer, am working on several books, both fiction and non and bipolar autobiographical for those who like that stuff.

I came over to WordPress from Tumblr because I felt the Tumblr crowd was random, young, self-harmy. But one thing about Tumblr that I should reconsider is that there is a really active Eating Disorder crowd and I totally suffer from that.  I returned the email and will ask for a ‘price’ sheet. But my non technical nature will probably keep me from understanding it and the person on the other end of the line would have to take too much time to explain what it is than the amount of money he would potentially make off of me.

It’s bad enough that talented writers are paying thousands of dollars to self publish, due to the internet, the amazing amount of writers in new genres and fringe topics, etc, but to pay money to have a blog? No, not me. Maybe later, when the trilogy is written. If I’m going to spend any money in the near future it would be to an editor to edit, help rewrite and reformat my book so that I can upload it somewhere for free. I’m in this to be helped and to encourage other people to get the help that they need. I have bipolar disorder, ADD, chronic pain, Binge Eating Disorder, and Tardive Dyskinesia (from Geodon for a year) but right now, things are good and I’m getting by. At least I’m not in a depression. When I came off of Adderall (too abruptly) I was depressed for 7 weeks. Going back to a medication that had worked for me a decade ago was a really smart call, since not all medications work for all individuals.

The breaking of a bone in my foot presented opportunities

I’m supposed to be taking time off my foot. It’s been a relief not to have to shop and cook, I’ll admit. And I’ve gotten more writing done because of it. I’ve been hand writing from the couch. I don’t have the funds to buy a laptop, and even though people say ‘just put it on a credit card,’ I’m barely making my minimums presently and don’t want them to grow.

I’ve started to take days off blogging and devote to the book exclusively. I will scroll through email but only look at critical ones. Social Media can distract me to the point where I get nothing done.

Also, I realized I needed to start the first novel in the trilogy at the point when I enter the radio business and what got me there. A lot of it was dumb luck. But maybe my subconscious led me to the river.

Why is it so important to write a book? Because my life has been such a fuss and such a combination of efforts on behalf of so many people that it bears witness. Some sort of GPS or road map or survival journal should be there for the perusal of those who come after me.

Also, to inspire, because I’ve overcome so many negative predictions on the subject of: getting my SAG card, getting commercials on my own merit, making the volleyball team, getting published by NAMI and IBPF, Get into a good college, or live a happy life.

A lot of my problems stem from being raised by a borderline, bipolar, alcoholic, compulsive gambler of a parent. Though I know he loves me, nothing was ever good enough for him to even listen to without telling me what was wrong with it, or me.

So two weeks ago when he offered to help me self publish my first book, like a dumb tilapia, I took the bait, only to be told how stupid a woman I am, how he never offered to help me self publish, that the whole mission is a waste of time, ad infinitum. It made me realize that however well meaning his offer was, a lot of what I write about is going to reflect on him and let’s just say I allowed him to help me and the first book didn’t take off or make any money (most don’t). He would start berating me to stop writing. So I can’t let him get near my writing. He would try to kill it because that’s just who he is. He won’t admit it, but he wants to be the star of every show.

The outcome of him withdrawing his support brought on a depression so deep I wasn’t sure that I was going to make it through. That’s scary. That’s why I post that I’m not scared of sharks and car crashes and cancer, I’m afraid of depression.

Since the time of my diagnosis, I’ve been shunned. Why? There is a narcissist, a few drinkers, gamblers, and one sociopath in their number. I don’t want to get burned. I have been dis-invited to two weddings of sisters, and left out of every family event. I’ve been told that I embarrass the family. Money is not a problem, but closeness is.

I’m actually proud of myself. I’m trying to do something I’ve never done before. I think that breaking it into bite sized pieces is actually going to help me with this earlier material I’ve taken on. I just am scared.  Sometimes I want to just quit. I’ve done so much work already.  I’m going to go back on the couch, or is it coach?  hahaha