Minicycles within Bipolar Cycling

 

allicat

I’ve been a rapid cycler for a long long time. I’m on a combination of stuff that’s perfectly calibrated. Havn’t been depressed since July. As you might expect, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. The day before yesterday I went to the gym and I couldn’t concentrate on the Newspaper, had to push really hard to get through routine and never got the ‘runner’s high’

I’m in small cycles. But it scared me. I started looking at the calendar and evaluating my current state of mind and thought, ‘live each day appreciative of it.’

 

The lengths we’ll go in order to feel good

AllisonBlackandWhite

 

Lately I’ve been taking an antidepressant I regard as a miracle drug. They don’t know exactly how it works but it works on some four different neurtransmitters as compared to Wellbutrin’s dopamine and Prozac or Zoloft’s Selective Serotonin Reuptake inhibitor. Those just work on one. This medicine has a side effect of violent nausea, and I’m not the only one. It’s listed as the third most common side effect.

There was a period of two weeks where I could not keep it down. This is three weeks ago. Mike had a trashcan next to the couch where I was laying while I tried every which way to keep this medicine in my system to retain my fine mood. I went through bipolar depression relapse in April-Mid July of this year and though I’ve gotten past ‘worrying’ about its’ inevitable return, I don’t want it to. This antidepressant is a huge boon. Nothing works quite as well. We’ve tried. In fact, it works so well I only need to take it twice a week. Why should I take more?

I ground it up and put it in my protein drink and attempted to work out at the Y. Bad idea. I ate full, balanced meals and still…..I was sick. I dropped 12 lbs in ten days by pure happenstance. When people tell me that certain drugs make them nauseated I don’t even want to hear it. I am desperate to claim the therapeutic benefits of this drug, Brintellix, no matter the cost. Depression is feeling like dying 24/7, or in my case, my waking hours. My whole world goes dark. I’m putting it off as long as I can. Of course it would be nice if a new antidepressant were to come along but there hasn’t been a new FDA approved medication for depression since 2013.  I think we’re due.

Sharing Jewelry Making With Others in the Community

blueswarovskion

 

When I first wanted to learn how to make jewelry a few teachers told me they couldn’t work with me; frustrated at how slow I learned. Luckily for me I had a trip scheduled to see Mom in Arizona and she’s an expert. She has such fine skills. If you compare her work with mine it’s mind boggling. But that’s not what it’s all about.

Mom set up a jewelry table for me so she could rest when she needs to and I’d have something to do. She gave me the raw materials, like stones and findings that I needed. There are quite a few moving parts and tools involved. She probably spent twelve hours with me on that trip, helping me with the skills I could not wrap my mind around, like wire bending, and the making of loops to put earring findings on or other attachments. It’s got to be consistent and uniform in shape in side, otherwise it won’t hang the same and the different loop sizes will look silly.

I put up a site on Etsy and found out it’s more a place where ideas are stolen than appreciated and bought. In doing this I developed better photography skills, as the picture and description of an item are worth more than a thousand words. I spent money on lessons upon my return and also put out dough for nice stones like the above, which is Fluorite topped with embedded Swarovsky Crystal beads.

And then I got into writing and I just stopped. I’m going back. I think I need to.

 

I hate this word as a platitude or cliché but ‘balance’ is everything.

Allison

Proud to Blog for NAMI and IBPF and almost for Bipolar Hope

I’ve been lucky in that somehow I’ve been picked up as a blogger by International Bipolar Disorder and NAMI but truly for every four submissions I send out to other digital publications, only one gets picked up. I got really close to being picked up by Bipolar Magazine’s digital arm, “Bipolar Hope.” They take a lot of drug company money in terms of advertising and I challenged them by sending a Tardive Dyskinesia story. If I had really wanted the twice monthly opportunity, I should have sent them a glossier blog on a ‘shiny happy people’ (REM song) topic. See, IBPF has the distinction of being totally independent financially from the drug companies, so we bloggers can be a bit more truthful, blunt, even, if the subject is so. But we balance it out by emphasizing that it does get better.

The rest of my submissions are rejected for one reason or another. There was Stigma fighters, I guess that evaluating my 25 year struggle on paper I told too many stories and talked about meds too much. When you develop Tardive Dyskinesia, Sexual Side Effects, Terrible Constipation, Constant hunger and Metabolic syndrome (half-way to diabetes thru no fault of my own…I eat good am very active and slender) it’s pretty hard to ignore the challenges and victories over those problems like they don’t exist,

I mean think about this: How many of us have gained or watched a loved one weight and not be able to lose it after being put on psych meds? There are advances in Western Science and Alternative solutions too, and I want to write about my journey. After all, I’m still alive and pretty happy.

Then there was the ‘seeds of hope’ submission and they objected to too much personal narrative and not enough of a “we can conquer thru ideology” presentation. So I’ve realized that in all this advocacy, I have to nurture myself, focus on what’s really important and develop a thick skin. And to stick to my own platforms, like this blog and the book I am writing. Does anyone else out there ‘feel’ me?

Buying new alternative music on Itunes

I work out to music. Because I’m 54, most of my music is on cassette tapes. Sometimes when I am in a hurry to burn a new CD, and then tape it on cassette, there is a blank spot at the end of the tape. Well, since I am too broke to buy cassettes, what I am doing is every time I come across a blank ending, I put the tape by the boombox, blank side facing forward. Then, yesterday and today I am buying new music off of “The Lopsided World of L” playlist, LA’s “Indie 103.1” playlists (a streaming station), songs I hear on XMU and Alt Nation on Sirius Radio, and a playlist I get of the top spinning songs at Alternative stations across the country. See, I’m a former disc jockey in Alternative and was a music director, too. I love music. I even love some oldies and classic rock. What I hate is hair bands. I have this friend who has paranoid schizophrenia, and she must have had a ‘good period’ in the 80’s, because when we are driving around town, I tune in to “Classic Rewind” (hair bands and music from the 80’s an early 90s) and she sings all the songs by heart. She acts as if there is no other music in existence and is unwilling to give anything new a chance, which bugs me. But anyway, today I am buying “Even if you were the last junkie on Earth,” by the Dandy Warhol’s, Beck “Dreams” “Love Vigilantes” from New Order (did you know New Order has a new album out?) New Foo Fighters, and maybe some “Death Cab for Cutie.” Was listening to this Japanese Punk band yesterday “Bo Ningen” I think and I liked them. I am sad that Sonic Youth Broke up. I like Australia’s “Courtney Barnet” and Silversun Pickups, who have a new album out, I think. I go mad for The Clash and older Gang of Four.

EZ to track full fall list of TV, Cable and Streaming Shows to come.

Allison’s Fall TV Lineup

Fall TV

Quantico Sept 27 ABC young, ethnically diverse FBI recruits (Sundays)

Rosewood (based on Movie) Fox 9-23

Rosewood Fox 9-23 Miami police detective with a pathologist (Wed)

Limitless based on movie about designer drug CBS sept 22 (Tue)

Empire Fox 9-23 (Wed)

Blindspot NBC 9-21 Crime drama (Mondays)

How to get away with Murder ABC 9-24 (Thursday)

2016 “Vinyl” directed by Mick Jagger and Martin Scorcese

PBS Sept 27 Indian Summer (TV Series.)

  • Indian Summers PBS 9-27 has to do with India under British Colonial Rule (Sunday)
    1. Blood and Oil is an upcoming American prime time television soap opera created by Josh Pate and Rodes Fishburne, set to air on ABC as a part of the 2015–16 television season on Sundays at 9pm as of September 27… More, 2015. Wikipedia (Sundays)

der colonial rule in early 1900s

Code Black 9-30 ERCode Black (TV Series 2015– ) – IMDb Wed

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4452630/

Internet Movie Database

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Still of Marcia Gay Harden and Luis Guzmán in Code Black (2015) Still of Marcia Gay Harden, Luis Guzmán and Raza Jaffrey in Code Black (2015 Still of Marcia …

Episodes - ‎Release Info - ‎Soundtracks - ‎Awards

The Affair 10-4 Sunday

Homeland Show 10-4 Sunday

The Widower pbs 10-4The Widower is a made for TV film, that was broadcast in three one-hour installments, on ITV in 2014. It portrays the crimes of real-life murderer Malcolm Webster. ITV described the show as: “The Widower tells how, over a 13-year period, a seemingly mild-mannered male nurse, Malcolm Webster, set about poisoning and murdering his first wife, attempting to do the same to his second wife and moving on to a further scheme to deceive his third fiancée.” [1] The series was written by Jeff Pope.[2]

Agent X Sharon Stone TNT Nove 8 action adventure

The Knick 10-16 Cinemax

Red Oaks Amazon 10-9 Drama (Stream)

Nov 17 Medical Drama Code Black

Blind Spot…someone who has forgotten their identity

House of Cards….When?

B CSI FINALE 2 hours with orig cast CBS 9-27

Bloodline…..When?

The Night Manager is an upcoming miniseries directed by Susanne Bier and starring Tom Hiddleston, Hugh Laurie, Olivia Colman, Tom Hollander and Elizabeth Debicki. The director, in my humble opinion, Suzanne Bier, is one of the greatest ever.

Bipolar Disorder: Taking My Temperature

Having gone through a bunch of long and short depressive episodes, I got into a terribly self focused habit of waking up and immediately ‘taking my mood temperature’ to see what kind of day I’d have. Rather than think about what I want to get accomplished or who I’d like to lend a hand to, I think about myself. I mean, I think it’s helpful in a way, but it can also lead to spiraling downward, wasting time and diffusing focus on life itself.

I’ve had more than my share of depressions in the last three years. So I got in the habit of living in fear of the next one. But I’ve learned that it’s equally important to be aware of manias because they lead to depressions also.

I’ve also been identifying triggers and they are so many. So many, in fact, that life is a virtual landmine. How to I turn triggers inside out so I see the upside, the growth opportunity for them:?

Partial list:

Too many doctor’s appointments

a critical conversation with my dad that feels like judgement

Family not understanding bipolar or believing it’s a real disease

Weight Gain

Food itself

Not writing enough

Computer malfunctions and forgetting to save my work

Not enough exercise

Having learning difficulties on software programs

Clothes not fitting

Being too busy

Not reading enough

As you can see, if I take these and twist them around it would make for a lot of growth, self forgivement and acceptance. Hey, maybe I might be able to focus on others for a change!