Silent, Saddled w/Sadness, Shame.. Noncancerous Chronic Pain compounded w/Tardive Dyskinesia


If Dr Deb Houry at CDC has her way, being able to sit through a movie in semi comfort and sharing smiles with my friend will be history. Many people will and have already judged me. I’m not happy there’s going to be even more trouble getting pain medication for noncancerous pain.  I have low back pain and over the years have been subjected to thousands of dollars of physical therapy, expensive shots, injections that did not work, judgement, stigma, fear, shame and yes, the pain because unlike most, I do grind through days off. They are called “Holidays.”

When I’m on a Med holiday to keep my tolerance low, my pain is so bad I wish I HAD CANCER. ITS THAT BAD. A relative died recently and I felt envy. It’s that bad. It’s not my mood. My life is good, steady. I have a great publisher. Terrific. Sometimes my personal problem with pain bleeds into my writing and I always have to watch that.

But now, I’m alarmed. As if the horrible side effects I suffer from pain killers and the pain in between doses wasn’t bad enough,

The CDC has issued a blanket, though nonbinding, statement about not prescribing opiates  for any other pain than terminal cancer.  The people with Cancer are the lucky one. They know it’s gonna end and can make their peace with God. I’d do it if I could. But I have to live in a body that is older than my brain, all used up from exercise bulimia and professional beach volleyball.

The ONE SIZE FITS ALL PRESCRIPTION OF THE CDC IS  we’re all children, all going to abuse our meds, get psychologically hooked and die of overdoses in search of a rush.

So not so. Statistically. I never abuse my meds in all 12 years. I need them to work when I need them…they are not a toy. There are many others like me. People with fibromyalgia, lyme disease, arthritis, low back pain, neck pain, migraines…and they are helped. GO RESTRICT ALCOHOL OR CIGARRETTES WHY DONTCHA…

ALCOHOL kills more adult people. And you can’t regulate that.

So they target, judge, forbid and further restrict something they CAN CONTROL with a database and scrupulous doctors, patients and pharmacies.

NEWSFLASH: Not all opiates are intoxicating and unsafe.


The whole point of long acting, abuse deterrent meds like Oxycontin and MS contin was there is no ‘high’ or euphoric kick. When I’m not in pain I forget to take it and feel relief that I won’t have side effects. I’ve managed to reduce dosage by 2/3 and frequency by half. I hate the side effects. The pain from professional sports and exercise bulimia to my low back is clearly visible on MRI, 3 herniated, one bulging, and annular tear and disc degeneration throughout.

I should not have to pay the price for people who take more than they should, mix it with other drugs or drinking, sell it, or crush the tablets so they’ll get that rush. I stopped that kind of behavior in 89, right after my bipolar disorder diagnosis, to protect myself. I have too much to lose to give it all away.

If Dr. Houry at the CDD Has her way, I won’t. Have Much. To Lose.

The bipolar disorder community has enough advocates. If they want my two cents now and then, fine. But I want to advocate for an issue that’s really harming my life and those of other people I know, some of whom are in AA. People you would suspect are addicts, but are not. They have chronic pain and are ashamed like me.


One thought on “Silent, Saddled w/Sadness, Shame.. Noncancerous Chronic Pain compounded w/Tardive Dyskinesia

  1. I’m beyond sorry you suffer this horrific pain. Yes, the bipolar community has enough advocates – you are awesome at advocating for TD etc., but finish that book first! 😉


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