Back in the Eating Disorder World

Over the past 25 years I’ve gotten a lot of treatment in which I’m required to keep daily journals. Guess which treatment has the most notebooks filled with pain going on and on? My eating disorder journals. Daily missives to myself in which I pray to God to keep me away from the triggering food  (starches and sugar) and an overwhelming obsession with my weight.

There was an eating disorder before there was bipolar disorder. In fact the ED may have caused the bipolar because of the decade of cocaine abuse that I depended on to stay thin. When I became allergic to cocaine and nauseated, I welcomed it. After ten years of using cocaine and getting clean, THEN I got my bipolar diagnosis. After a year. There is such a high correlation between the two that people look at the comorbidity and ask chicken or egg questions. I’m pretty sure I know which happened and what caused what. Genetically, I’m predisposed to bipolar disorder but the extreme exercise and chemicals I’ve injested, well, you just don’t walk away from that scott free. Now that I’m off ADHD meds and no longer depressed or withdrawing from them, I’m all hungry again from the Clozaril.

I spent lots of time on the computer yesterday researching the whole metabolic issue and found that even integrative nutritionalists struggle with Obesity and are slaves to exercise, struggling with self esteem like crazy. No one seems to have any answers. I know a girl at the supermarket who is bipolar, obese, diabetic and takes some crazy medication I’ve never heard of to boost her metabolism. It makes her manic and speedy, just like you would supposed. If you had to choose a bullet to dodge, would it be diabetes or an unstable mood?

I really don’t want to go back to Overeaters Anonymous and obsess on a black and white ‘abstinence’ model. I get all rebellious and spin out of control with anger.

4 thoughts on “Back in the Eating Disorder World

  1. Big hugs. I hope you find something in the middle to help. I wish I could offer advice, but my struggles with bulimia have always been about gaining control in my life when my anxiety was high.

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    • hi. About four months ago I broke my foot. I regained 17 lbs that I had lost. My downfall is carbs. Not sugar but rapidly digesting wheat, bread, cereal, it makes me want to eat more. This is mostly because of the meds I take. antipsychotics. Today I walked for two hours and swam for 1/2 hour. Guess what I wanted to do afterwards? Binge. So far so good. It’s often about getting through the day. I used to really like Ephedra when it was reliably dispensed by Xenadrine. I took as directed and it took the edge off the binge appetite. I’m not above cheating. I don’t think it’s a black and white issue but it is very controversial.

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  2. my problems with eating, or lack of eating as it sometimes becomes, have been a major pain in the ass for me for a long time. i hate that it’s something i keep running into and hate what it can do to me if i don’t keep an eye on it at all times. hell, i have my partners here helping me try to make sure i don’t swing one way or the other. it’s madness some days.

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