i broke my foot. When?

It was after I swam. I went to take advantage of my soft nails (toenails) with the clippers and most have overextended or something and snapped the big toe in some way. I don’t know because for a week and a half I haven’t been able much to get out of Bed. Today was my first day. I’ve had to cancel a lot of stuff but boy have I caught up with some great reading. Asne Sierstad’s “Bookseller of Kabul,” was great. Time for dinner. Thanks for paying attention when I was in too much of a hurry and in too much pain to do so.I’m having a ‘mediation’ with the project director of a mental health center. She told my best friend Clair that I hate her. I deserve to hate her. She is one of the ‘icky’ people you have warned me about. But I have to deal with her in my writing and my work. She almost ruined a story I was working on, robbing me of urban legends and lore that have been repeated to me so many times about the suicidal heiress who’s name was Rebel Ann B. and her family gave Memorial Hospital Millions so the crazies would have somewhere to go and make art. Well, I did a story on her, I may have sent you a link and the first month all was ok, but the second mo she must have feared corporate blowback so I just took her out of the story. She told me that I was making it hard for her to practice her ‘intention’ (Buddhist stuff) of practicing kindness towards me…that I was making it impossible for her to be kind. She basically blew the human interest and poignancy of my second story on her right out of the water. I made the changes, left her out of editorial approval, turned in the story on deadline (Deanne failed to tell me she was going out of the Country the week of the deadline…) and I moved on. I never responded to her mean email. But I have to deal with her, and she keeps being mean, so Clair, Hans (my mentor there) Deanne and I are going to mediate. It is totally unprofessional for a project director of a center for crazies to imagine that ‘Allison hates me.’ I don’t hate her,  I want to avoid her, so I can get some work done. She’s also the one who has told me that I am not ‘well’ enough for volunteer there. I volunteered there for 7 years straight, when I was much sicker. Maybe that’s the problem. I’m weller. Who knows?

dad pulled me thru the ringer last week. Borderline Personality Classic Behaivor. He offered to pay for the entire cost of self publishing if we got all the costs in up front. Of course that is hard to get out of these companies, because they like to get the patient on the table, open the chest cavity and THEN ask for all these additional costs, when you can’t afford to say no. I’ve been warned by other authors who have told me (they are now agented and majorly published in a nice paperback that they didn’t have to pay for this time around) they say that if they did it differently, if they could go back in time, they’d have just paid for final editing, formatting, cover art and uploaded to Create Space. Amazon. Bookstores don’t stock Create Space offerings, but the audience I’m hoping to reach will buy my books online.

Another thing…just because you’ve written a book at a certain point in time doesn’t mean that you have to publish it at it’s completion. The world can wait. Until you are famous. Until you’ve been published in Huffington Post, Bipolar Magazine and maybe even The New York Times. There are many mountains to climb before rushing to pay for self publishing a book and who knows, if you are clever enough online….in a few years, a publisher or agent might just find you via your consistent blogging. I’ll bet it’s happened before. Dreaming big has never really hurt me and if it’s all dreams who cares?

So then Dad goes Hitler, denies he ever offered, tells me I’m a stupid girl, and easy mark and that he never offered to pay for me to self publish a book.

A lesson I’m glad I learned early. I want him as far away from my writing as possible. You know, he has the power, if he wants to emotionally take it away from me, to declare it as illegitimate. I can’t afford that. It’s my fucking therapy. I can’t let him do this to me.

However, the apple does not fall far from the tree and I’m going to take a course or a 6 mo therapy program paid for by medicare on Borderline Personality called DBT. It’s all the rage and it does not involve drugs. It’s about distorted thinking, challenging it and moving on to more productive fields. After My Dad pulled his stunt on me, I was on the couch, suicidal for two days. I can’t afford that either. For an old man, he still is mean. He, can I publish this? I’m asking first. Just in case I pull the cord on the ‘off’ switch and people are trying to find where the bodies are buried. If I can understand borderline personality in myself and stop being Mean to My Man,then I will have a lot less patience as my dad prepares to take out his bipolar blade by offering cash for this, cash for that. Deanne Runs the center for the Crazies…I wrote that article promoting her center and she acted all…like this can’t go in, I never said that, this is inaccurate after having agreed the previously week to circled quotes. She’s been project director at Rebel’s For Years, isn’t going anywhere so we are having this mediation. Thanks so much for asking and catching my typos like this one

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